S.652 One Hundred Fourth Congress of the United States of America AT THE SECOND SESSION Oh ye, here ye, Oh ye, here ye. Honor thy mother and father. Begun and held at the shity of Washington on Wednesday, the third day of January, one thousand nine hundred and ninety-six. An Act to gain control over the American public by taking their God given right to freedom of speech. To ostentatiously display the large penis of the government and flaunt its size. To intimidate the America public and God. To show our utter stupidity, our self-centeredness, and our lack of comprehension of computers and the Internet. To increase the demand for child pornography and create an covert government pornography franchise. Be it enacted by the Senate and House of Representatives of the United States of America in Congress assembled. SECTION 1. SHORT TITLE; REFERENCES. (a) SHORT TITLE- This Act may be cited as the `Gestapo Act of 1996'. (b) REFERENCES- Except as otherwise expressly provided, whenever in this Act an amendment or repeal is expressed in terms of an amendment to, or repeal of, blah blah blah blah no one actually reads this and votes. BULLSHIT! BS!!!!. burp! gasp! blah blah blah blah blah abhlabhabhlabhhlablhab 1984 (NOVUS ORDO SECLORUM). TITLE V--OBSCENITY AND VIOLENCE SUBTITLE A--OBSCENE, HARASSING, AND LUSTFUL UTILIZATION OF TELECOMMUNICATIONS FACILITIES SEC. 501. SHORT TITLE. This title may be cited as the `Anti-Masturbation Act of 1996'. SEC. 502. OBSCENE OR HARASSING USE OF TELECOMMUNICATIONS FACILITIES UNDER THE COMMUNICATIONS ACT OF 1934. Section 223 (47 U.S.C. 223) is amended-- (iii) any usage of the word "bunny-rabbit" shall result in a flogging of great magnitude. If usage of the word "bunny-rabbit" exceeds that of forty-two, then the defendant will be found guilty of heresy and sentenced to the punishments of: (1) Intercourse with Chelsea Clinton. (2) Forced coding in Basic. (3) A fine equal to the deficit. (4) Attendance at a Senate hearing. (ii) initiates the transmission of, any comment, request, suggestion, proposal, image, or other communication of an image that your mother would scold you for, knowing that the recipient of the communication is under 18 years of age, regardless of whether the maker of such communication placed the call or initiated the communication, will result in: (1) A vacation cruise to Europe. (2) A new Lexus! (3) A beachfront house in the Bahamas. (4) A beautiful women, who is intelligent, has large breast and suffers from nymphomania. SEC. 505. SCRAMBLING OF SEXUALLY EXPLICIT ADULT VIDEO SERVICE PROGRAMMING. (a) REQUIREMENT- Thou shalt not look at pictures of the naked anatomy of a person of the opposite sex. This may lead to masturbation, which will inevitably lead to BLINDNESS! It is our duty as the government to intervene in this crisis, the eyesight of millions at risk. (b) Thou shalt not think about sex, intercourse, or ramming your throbbing cock up the orephus of any member of the opposite sex, same sex, animal, electrical socket, lamp-post, vegetable, or into the slot of your floppy drive. (c) FUNDING AVAILABILITY- Section 309(j)(8)(B) (47 U.S.C. 309(j)(8)(B)) is amended by adding at the end the following new sentence: `Such offsetting collections are authorized to remain available until expended.'. Speaker of the House of Representatives. Vice President of the United States and President of the Senate.